I started the year by quitting my job. Don’t worry- I have three of them, and for a long time I’ve needed all three of them to stay afloat. My typical schedule looks a bit like this:

You’d think that with all the hours spent working, I would have a nice little nest squirrelled away for myself at the bank, but really I work three low paying jobs and have absolutely no free time, resulting in one of the worst work/life balances I have ever had. Combine that with the fact that I was referred to an accountant last year who screwed up my taxes so badly that they weren’t properly filed, and I’ve had just about my most miserable year on record. Imagine trying to keep all of this straight with only an hour each day to do it. Luckily I have a very sweet and supportive Fiancé who makes sure that I eat enough and offers some healthy outside perspectives.

So I’ve decided that rather than keep a crappy job for a small amount of extra cash, I would rather use that time to answer the call I hear coming from my study, where my Graduate Degree sits on a shelf, gathering dust next to the piano that I can’t afford to tune until February. (It’s ok about the piano, I tell my students it’s post-modern tuning.)

I love opera so much that I chose to earn not one, but two degrees in singing, and I’m good at it. Good enough to get hired teaching voice at the biggest public high school in Texas. My students go to All-Region, sing the leads in musicals both at school and with outside companies, perform in cabaret nights, barber shop quartets, church choirs, independent talent shows, you name it. I help them prepare audition and performance material, I teach them how they should actually pronounce French, and I offer advice based on how I would handle certain auditions and performances, which is rich, considering that I did not book a single paying opera gig in 2019.

I felt the pangs of hypocrisy more and more as the year wore on, and blamed myself because I had no desire to even try to make new audition videos or email local conductors. I cancelled my YAPTracker subscription because I think it’s stupid to expect graduate level professionals to pay someone else to allow them to sing a role, thus missing out on opportunities that might have actually helped me. I spent less time on local audition websites and expected opportunities to somehow land in my lap. Thank the Lord for a friend in the area who cast me as Madame de la Grande Bouche (The Wardrobe) in Beauty and the Beast. I didn’t get paid for it, but at least I got to add a role to the resume which is relevant to my professional goals. And it’s not like I haven’t done anything at all- I’ve performed all year. Bells are Ringing, Mama Mia, Beauty and the Beast, It’s a Wonderful Life, various Opera on Tap performances. So I have auditioned, and I have been cast, just not for anything related to opera (and not for anything that paid). I had so much fun in music theatre this year that I could almost tune out the sound of my previous operatic aspirations.

However, much like Queen Elsa in Frozen Two, the siren has become so persistent that I have to address it.  My Fiancé left for the nightshift just before six, and after a kiss goodbye, I sat at the kitchen counter updating an excel document with our wedding details. Our cat, Maeve, looked on with interest for three whole minutes before walking straight across my keyboard, hopping off of the island, and pawing at the sliding doors to my study. Usually she does this when she’s gotten a toy wedged under the door. I opened the offensive thing for her, and no toy immediately visible, I turned on the light. There it was. Her favorite cat nipped stuffed gingerbread shaped Christmas toy. Maeve loped in and immediately batted it into my bookshelf full of scores. I probably stared at them for ten full seconds while her mews of distress floated across the room. I went back out to the kitchen, and saved the excel sheet before closing my laptop.

After retrieving Catnip-Man, I spent this evening delving into the scores on my bookshelf, thinking how great it was that I even have a night off to do this, and recalling the last thing I had that resembled a five aria package. Considering the last good package I had is from when I finished grad school, I decided to toss the whole damn thing. I am 27 years old, and I am finally vocally secure enough to sing larger rep and not get laughed at. At least… I’m pretty sure. I know for certain that the arias that fit best when I was 24 are no longer my best selections. Haven’t had a voice lesson in two years, so hopefully we’ll be clearing that up shortly. Goodbye, Cherubino, Siebel, and Dorabella. Recently, I’ve been revisiting Charlotte, getting to know Delilah and Amneris, and I’m wiping the Carmen slate clean to learn it from the ground up. I even sent emails to schedule voice lessons, a task that has paralyzed me with fear for almost a year and a half. I updated my linked in profile. I googled ensembles in my area that might be open to receiving audition materials from a mezzo soprano, and made a list of what to send to each of them. I checked the Dallas Opera page for chorus auditions- I was too early. I almost cried tears of joy; I haven’t been early for anything, in any definition of the word, in nearly two years. I set a reminder to check again in a month.

I put my scores in a pile on my piano bench with the Verdi on top, because I do finally have another paying gig. I’m singing Amneris in scenes from Verdi’s Aida on February 14^th with Diversitá Opera, and who doesn’t want to portray an Egyptian Princess? Good news, my preliminary run throughs have felt great in my voice! I apologized to the piano for not tuning it, begging it to hold on to the middle octave until February, and went to find a dusting cloth. I took my degrees off of the shelf, and made a dramatic show of wiping them off so that the cat would know I was serious. I put them on top of the piano where I can see them. I put tabs in my Aida score, and placed a pencil and highlighter within reach. I might not know what the rest of 2020 will bring, but February will see me contracted to perform Verdi for a check, and I have a feeling that if I reinvest the time I spent at that retail job into my singing, there will be more to come.